I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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