god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
