Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
