to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
