she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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