No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My vagina is officially offended.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
