Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
