I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
where am i from again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
