nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
