he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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