i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
