I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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