Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
