Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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