he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
there's paper in my vomit.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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