You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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