Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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