i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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