Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
