at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
