is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
