Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
