I will die if light touches me.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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