FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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