I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
