i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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