Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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