The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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