I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize