So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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