I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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