I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Drake has all the answers
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize