Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
