So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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