she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
