brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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