my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
