my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
