so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize