Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
