We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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