I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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