I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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