i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
