I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
