The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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