the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
