i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
