i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
