she looked like the bat from fern gully.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
