Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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