I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
