I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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