I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
