The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
