I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm jealous of your bromance
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize