I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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