Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
